Breaking the People-Pleasing Cycle: Strategies for Women to Reclaim Their Power

-run-at-: 2024

Caryn:

Welcome back to the Rise, Shine, and Redefine podcast. Today, I'm excited to introduce a remarkable guest, Kim Moore. Kim is a certified life coach and educator known for creating safe spaces where women can embrace their true selves and prioritize self-care. She's also the host of the Share Your Self Care podcast, where she dives deep into harmonizing energy and wellness. Kim's message today is one of embracing our authentic selves and bringing our best energy to every space we enter. We'll be diving into her inspiring journey, how she helps women reclaim their wholeness, and the unique way she integrates breathwork and mindfulness into her coaching practice. Hi, Kim. I'm so excited you are here. Excited. I just am ready to dive into all the things with you between starting your business, transferring from you were an educator into coaching, and that's just a journey in itself. But I wanted you to share your story of where the self-transformation started, how you've become resilient, and just overcoming the personal challenges so that you can help women step into their power. Please, please let me know how or let all of us know how that came about. I'm so excited to hear.

Kim: Yeah, so it's such a long story. I feel like it started back, you know, even in my childhood, just, you know, feeling comfortable in myself, definitely experiencing some bullying, some just being made fun of, which I feel like all kids experience in some form or fashion in their life. by my peers though. And so just learning, I always say that my mom was my first teacher of self-love because, you know, if I ever came home crying to her, she was always just such a support and really helping me to find who I am deep on the inside, you know, with some character and developing that in my life. and being supportive and always letting me know that there's so much more to a person. And to learn how to dust yourself off and get back up and do what you need to do. And so with that, I feel like I learned a lot about myself But also with that, I was always pushing and proving. And so I was very much so a go-getter and always on fire and always doing all the things. And it had to be this way. And I made sure my grades were good. And none of those things are bad, but the drive of that was definitely approving that I am this great person. And so I feel like that carried over into my adult life. And so I pushed and pushed and pushed. And again, being very successful in it, you know, being an educator, going to school for that, finding a teaching job, you know, doing everything that I needed to do, starting a family while going to grad school and just, you know, like pushing and going. And then one day my body said, no. And I find myself on the side of the road, clammy, sweaty, heart beating fast. And just before that, I was headed to work with a bagel in my hand and, you know, jamming, listening to my music. And I had to pull over on the side of the road. I thought I was having a heart attack. I called my mom because that's where I had just dropped my kids off at. And she came to get me and we went to the hospital and the doctors were like, there's nothing wrong with your heart. You're perfectly fine. And he came in and asked me. what was going on in my life. And by then my husband, now my ex-husband, was there and him and my mom were in the room. And I was just going down the list of everything that I was doing. I was teaching Sunday school. I was head of praise and worship at my church. I had two kids. who by that time might have been elementary school age. I was a guidance counselor at work, and it was testing week, and I just was burning. Oh, I did the youth group at my church, so I was burning at both ends without replenishing myself. And he said, you probably had a panic attack because there's nothing else wrong. And from that point on, I was like, okay, You know, I need to do something that's calming, you know, that lets me pour back into myself. And I started doing yoga and that began me on this quest for wellness, for wholeness. It wasn't the only stop, but it was definitely the first that got my attention to say, hey, you're doing too much.

Caryn: Yeah. So, okay. So, I'm sure so many people listening feel you, right? You're trying to do all the things. You think you have to do all the things. You have a health scare and it's like, oh, well, we tend to wait until we have to.

Kim: Exactly.

Caryn: Right. And I like the mindset of we get to, right? So, just You said you started yoga practice. I love that. But my question is, OK, you're doing all the things, right? You're doing the gospel, you're doing the counseling, you're being a mom, you're an educator, all the things. And then it's like, oh, wait, now I got to add yoga to my day. So how did you balance creating space for yoga when you had all these other things on your plate? Let some of it go.

Kim: What did you do? So I had some conversations with people. and said, listen, I need this time. Also, another thing that happened was my school. So that probably was the spring. So summer was coming up. So I was really able to practice. The following school year, my school district decided to start high school at 9 o'clock. So I had extra time that I didn't have before because I used to have to be to work by 7.30. Then I didn't have to be there till about 9. And I was able to carve out that time for myself in the morning. I also hired a life coach of my own who taught me these really small little things to do in like 10, 15 minutes. And so I carved out that time, then I was able to expand it because I realized the importance. And I think that's the thing is that we always think we have to squeeze it in. And initially it is a squeeze in, but then when you realize the value that it adds to your life, you make time for it. You invest that time for yourself. So at first it was just as simple as when I get up, do not touch my phone.

Caryn: And that's a hard one.

Kim: Yes. It's not the first thing you grab, you know? So I put it over on the side and I think though it still was my alarm, but I would just turn it off. I wouldn't pick it up. So then I would do an anchoring exercise or just a closing of my eyes, taking a couple deep breaths and then just saying, I'm here and allowing myself to feel that. And it was a challenge at first, not running through everything I had to do for the day, because that's where my mind went immediately. Just, OK, I got to get up. The kids got to get ready. Then this is what I'm going to do when I get to work. So just taking a deep breath and letting myself feel that I'm here.

Caryn: Yeah, just really presencing yourself without the mind looping into everything, because it doesn't serve you. Yes. Right. Yeah. To some point, it's like, OK, I do have a checklist, but we need to come back to center and feel grounded so that we can show up in our fullness. Right.

Kim: Yeah. Because we don't like we don't think of that. And I was just having this conversation the other day is that we think we can just keep going. And nothing has to be replenished except maybe just passing out to sleep at night.

Caryn: Yeah, you can't pour from an empty cup. Right.

Kim: And there's so much more that we can do during our day that helps us to pour into our cup. It doesn't have to be one or the other. It can definitely be an integration of the two.

Caryn: Yeah. So what's one thing that just starting today that we could start filling our cup? Like what's just an easy way, especially for women and moms, right? And working moms, right? Or mompreneurs. It's like, what can they do? Or what can women do? Or what can I do to really start filling my cup that's easy and not, oh, another thing to add to my plate?

Kim: Yeah. I think What I am learning is that it's different for everyone and to find that thing. It can be something so small, but I think the first step is noticing and being aware. So like I said, if you take a step back, take a couple of breaths, noticing how you're feeling in your body, in your mind, your emotions, are there any emotions there? Is there, if you do have a spiritual practice, is there a disconnection there? To actually just pay attention to the messages that are already coming through. We're just ignoring them. We're just ignoring them. So if we take a minute, like if you just notice without judgment, you know, I'm exhausted because I can't get this done. Those are judgments. But noticing that you're exhausted and then meeting that need, whether that's to take a nap or to, um, Just cuddle up with something soft. Make some time just to have a minute to yourself as soon as you get home from work. Whatever it is, I have people who have shared with me in conversation about going back to their childhood and doing something fun like blowing bubbles. You know, it's different for everyone. I know somebody who, as soon as they get off from work, they've asked their husband, can you just take the kids for a half an hour? I just need a half an hour before I jump into mom and family mode. And she just takes off her shoes, she goes straight to the room, and she just takes the 30 minutes. And it may not be 30 minutes that you have. Maybe it's just 15. So finding that thing for you that just lets you go, oh, for a second.

Caryn: Yeah, I heard so many magical nuggets in this. So one, it's really creating a space for you to just have your own me time, whatever that looks like for you. It doesn't matter. It could be reading a book. It could be taking a nap. It could be taking a bath, a shower, whatever. It's just really, and maybe off technology, right? Because technology makes us loop in the mind. And the other thing that I really love and I truly believe in this is awareness, right? It's like when we start having the awareness of what is happening or what's going on, we can let things start. We can start to accept. all these parts of us, right? And like you said, you know, notice without judgment, right? But it's hard because it's like, you start beating yourself up because you didn't do this or you didn't hang out with your kids or whatever it may be. And it's like, wait a minute, like, okay, let's just have awareness of the story that I'm telling myself. Like, what is the story I'm creating? Because Imagine a car accident happens and five people see it, you are going to get five different stories on what happened. So true. Right. It's like learning to change the lens of how we think about things. Right. Because thoughts create feelings, feelings create behavior and your actions. So I think it's such a beautiful practice is to help people become more aware because either you're you think you have no awareness or you don't think you have any blocks or limiting beliefs, right? Or then you're like, Oh my God, I have so many limiting beliefs, right? Like, how am I going to survive life? And then it's like, okay, how can we use this awareness to our mastery of, oh, okay, I'm now aware of maybe things in my childhood, right, that gets to come up and out or bringing the fun back into your life, right? Because we're always go, go, go, go, go. Like you said, especially moms, it's like, just take a pause. It's okay to pause. The dishes can be cleaned later. It doesn't matter. But we think it matters. And we make it a bigger story. And then we loop Right. And we feel it in our body and then we feel it in our head and then it goes back to our body. And we're just like constantly in this loop of spiraling. Yeah. So I just I just really appreciate you sharing. Look, take 15 minutes. Just tell whoever you're with. Tell your child. And look, if you're a young if you have a young child, like put them in the playpen. Just take a minute for yourself. You're a single parent. Put them in the playpen. I promise you that 15 minutes will make you a better parent and show differently for your family. So I absolutely love that. Such good insight. Thank you. Oh, excuse me. Okay. So you transferred into life coaching and I love life coaching. I am in the process of becoming a certified mastery method coach. I think everyone needs coaching, my own biased opinion, best profession in the world. How did this transition happen? Were you like, okay, panic attack, educator, all the things, incorporated yoga, and now it's like, okay, I had a life coach. What was the deciding factor on transferring to life coaching?

worked and that was probably: 2017

Caryn: Amazing. I love that. Okay, so for my new coaches that are also listening, what did you do to create clients? You went from educator to, okay, I'm a life coach.

Kim: Still building, still definitely building it. And it's not something that takes a little bit of time. I feel like it's one every time you take advantage of a conversation with someone, every time you offer something, and be creative. I'm finding that when we step into a space, we're often helping people who are like us. And so not that you create things just for you, but from your heart that you know people could use because it has helped you. And so create those things in fun ways that light you up and therefore may light other people up, just coming from that space. And I think anytime we take advantage of that, we're moving a step closer to where we're going to be.

Caryn: Yeah. And also I love take advantage of conversations and be so interested in what they have to say.

Kim: Yes.

Caryn: Right. People love to talk about themselves. So it's such a, if you can hold that for them and ask some questions and I know you're a coach and as you had life coaching, they ask you powerful questions and you start thinking differently and And when you get somebody to start thinking differently by asking them a powerful question, they're like, oh, OK, OK, what else does this person have to offer for me? Exactly. I love it. So beautiful. OK, so in your life coaching, you help with harmonizing energy and wellness. Can you tell me a little bit more about that?

Kim: Yes. So I think when we as we talked about with the running around and the energy. Sometimes the phrase I hear a lot is, I'm stressed or I'm tired, I'm exhausted. And even when we get better sleep, people are still like, but I just feel the same. I wake up feeling the same. And so there's different energies within all of us. It's not just physical energy, there's emotional energy, there's mental energy, there's spiritual energy. And so when we can find support for all of that, our states of being, then we can start to feel replenished, refreshed, and refueled, ready to go. So there's so many parts of our wellness. In fact, There's even, I'm looking into the eight dimensions of wellness, which includes the spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional, but it also adds occupational, financial, social, and environmental. So our environments around us, are they feeding us? Do we have things that make us feel loving? Are there pictures around that make us think of our family? Because when we look at images, we're taking that in. All of it is energy. All of it is information. And so do we have things that remind us of love, of care, of joy? What are we taking in visually? Are we, or audibly, are we taking in things that build us up, or are we just constantly with the trash? As far as socially, do we have those support systems around us? Financially, is there something that we're working towards, a goal? Are we where we want to be financially? Do we have some money stories that are keeping us stuck where we are? You know, are there some thoughts that come through on a daily basis that we're just shoving down? Because sometimes the truth is when we slow down, the silence is loud. You know, very loud. And so sometimes we're busy because we're avoiding.

Caryn: That's right. That's right. We're choosing to be busy. Yes. Because we're avoiding something else. We're avoiding facing a fear or we're avoiding a feeling. Yes.

Kim: Right. And so all of those things come into play. What are we doing to really tune into those spaces and see where we are? Again, going back to the noticing. And then how do we meet the need of ourselves? Or and even before that, maybe there's some healing that needs to go on. You know, are we making space for that? Are we reaching out to coaches, to therapists, to whatever our higher power? Are we taking time to feel that part of us and to heal it so that we can move forward? Or are we just noticing and then saying, OK, you know, I thought I was over that? That's something from my past that I don't have time to address that, or I'm afraid to address it because so much will come up, and I don't know how to do that by myself. Are we supporting ourselves in that way to become whole and then moving forward? And actually, we heal as we move forward because it's not just one healing. Sometimes it takes a while, and sometimes it's many things.

Caryn: Yeah. reprogramming unconscious programming takes time. And it does take the awareness. And it's like, okay, like you said, we could be aware, but then, okay, I'm aware now what? Or it's like, okay, wait a minute, now I can connect the dots of understanding, you know, how I show up in my relationship. Right? Let's be real, it always goes back to our childhood. Yes, everything goes back to our childhood. I mean, every every right, because until we're seven, we are programming our subconscious mind, and then it gets sealed by what's called the critical factor. And it's like really hard to change those belief systems. Exactly after the age of seven. So it's like, okay, when we can go back to our childhood of things that were programmed in us and start having compassion for that part of us and giving little you a hug and nourishment. It's like, that's how we start reprogramming the belief system and the unconscious beliefs and have this awareness to show up differently in our life. We just get so stuck in the cycle in the loop, coming back to the loop. And it's like, wait a minute, we can we can really reprogram these things. And I know you mentioned in your life, like when you had your mentor and life coach, probably a lot of things came up for you. And you have this awareness. And you're like, Oh, okay, this is just a story from my childhood. This is just a story from my childhood. You you are not your mind. You're right. And it's like, Okay, wait, is this my mind? speaking? Or is it my essence? And when you can start pulling those apart you're like oh this is just my mind i love that yeah i get to i can choose how to think differently like i have that freedom of choice like i have the freedom to feel the way i want to feel we tend to blame others for the way we feel well so you made me feel like this but it's well yes and Right. Our, our programming.

Kim: Yes, in the way we've been, our experience, we're bumping into each other's experience all the time as people. And so what may be a big deal to you might not be to someone else. And so when you meet that space, whatever it is, whether it's a conflict or through a conversation, whatever that is, know that you're talking to a piece of them to a piece of their experience that you don't know about. And they may not be aware that it's this thing, like you said, that happened in childhood. And when we can take a minute and step back and, like you said, be the witness and not be our minds and our thoughts, we can recognize that, oh, OK, I understand where that's coming from. And then even we don't start off being able to communicate it to other people. Again, the first step is awareness. But again, once you're getting into the healing part of that, learning how to communicate that outwardly once you've recognized it and done some work on the inside, then able to communicate it to people. Just imagine how our world would be if people could take a step back a minute and say, oh, OK, I understand where that hurts at for me. And it may not have anything to do with the other person, but then maybe you can communicate that to them and say, this is why that, this is where I went when you said this.

Caryn: Yeah. I'm going to give you an interesting example of what happened to me the other day. So, um, I hired somebody to come and reorganize my pantry, my laundry room, my, my clothing closet. But I did it when my husband was out of town because I was like, he is not going to be happy. I'm hiring somebody to do this, but you know what? It takes like, like when there's calm, when there's chaos, and they can create a calming environment, I'm like, okay, I feel more calm. Yes. Okay. So anyway, I hired them, everything looked amazing. Well, my son told on me, my six year old. So my husband on the way home from his trip, I know was already looping in his head, you know, the negative mindset of me doing this, creating this calming space for me. And of course, I think it looks great. I'm like, I just want support. I'm like, okay, nice organized closet that he is not organizing. Let's be real. And he came back and he was so mad and so frustrated by this circumstance. And I'm like, okay, he's throwing a tantrum over an organized closet. Like I don't, I couldn't conceptually understand it, but I, realize that I was being triggered because my, I had just had a conversation with my mom who opened up to me and told me that my father was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I do not remember my childhood and I didn't know why I didn't remember it. And then she told me that and I was like, Oh, okay. I was verbally and emotionally abused as a child. So I tend to avoid conflict or my nervous system gets really dysregulated with conflict because childhood programming. And whatever was going on for him, I don't know why this was so triggering for him. Obviously, there's something, let's go back to childhood. That of maybe his stuff being touched or move around or you know, he is a stay at home parent. So Maybe he really felt that's his domain and he's in charge of that. And now somebody is coming in and shifting things around and that's really uncomfortable for him. And trying to be kind and compassionate, but also like I'm also being triggered by his reaction because of what I'm learning about my childhood. So it's really just how can we communicate in a way that's really loving and being like, Okay, this is obviously really bothering you. Let's talk about it. But as I'm healing and learning all these things that are now coming up for me that I, you know, 44 years later, it's, it's like, oh, gosh, now I have the awareness, but it's like, it's like, okay, how can we start healing and not get overwhelmed by the healing, right? It's like, once we have the awareness, we're like, okay, I have to fit right, our brain is like, I have to fix. Like we're going to find what's wrong. So it's like really learning to be compassionate with yourself, right? And self forgiveness is huge. It's something that I love promoting in my coaching business is really being compassionate with the judgments you have about yourself and forgiveness. And just because you forgive the judgment you have about you or somebody else doesn't mean that what they did wasn't wrong or was right or wrong.

Kim: Right. And I think what you did with him too, even if it was just in your mind, you also gave him compassion without excusing the behavior. So you gave him compassion on realizing that if I'm feeling this about a childhood thing, maybe he is too. You know what I mean? So you are aware of your own triggers and then also holding compassion for another person saying, I'm not sure, but I realize that more might be going on than he's communicating. You know what I mean? But at the same time, you didn't excuse the behavior that was coming at you.

Caryn: I mean, I'm going to keep it real. I called him a child. Yeah. Yes, I think it's important, but when you're in it, I'm like, what is happening here?

Kim: And it's messy. Sometimes it's messy, just what you said. Sometimes we want to fix it and we think healing looks totally clean and understandable. And how are you feeling today? Sometimes it isn't, you know, and it's okay for it to be messy, even though we don't like it. Yeah.

Caryn: I mean, I shut down. I was like, my avoidance, right? It's a pattern. It's like, oh, okay, wait, we recognize, oh, this is a pattern when there's conflict. Like for me, when there's conflict, it's like, I avoid. It's like, okay, conflict, I'm going to go shut down. I need to go regulate my nervous system because I will say things I don't really mean. And it's like having a partner that gives you the space to shut down because sometimes it's how I need to process. And sometimes it takes days, not just an hour.

Kim: And that's honest. Listen, that's honest.

Caryn: yeah yeah and i think conflict is really tricky and challenging because we tend to fight over who's the bigger victim right it's like oh no i'm the bigger victim yeah like like this is why i'm right and you're wrong like i'm more of the victim and it's like and i hate victim mentality i it's like a pet peeve of mine so if i notice i'm arguing over i'm the bigger victim i tend to pause and be like oh wait a minute no no no right i'm gonna put i'm gonna put the sword down I don't want to be the victim.

Kim: And that's what awareness does for you, though. You know, it inserts itself between that programming. It cuts the tie of the loop like it cuts it off. Yeah. You know.

Caryn: Yeah. And without defensiveness, there's no opposition.

Kim: Exactly. And I love what you're saying about regulating your nervous system and stepping away. I think fight, flight or freeze. Or fawn, or fawn, right? Definitely the automatic reactions that we have. But I think your choice to step away is like a mindful thing, because you're realizing you have to step away in order to regulate your nervous system. And then that's where the practices come in. How am I feeling? Checking into that, coming into the body so that you can feel safe again. The main thing is feeling that safety to later be able to or in the moment to be able to process. If you choose, maybe for right now, that safety is just what you need. And if it takes you a couple of days, maybe the next day can be for the processing. It just depends. But not to rush yourself through it, really giving yourself. Because if you've already stepped away, then you have a choice. You get to choose to keep rolling that through your head. or you get to move into a space of safety and settling and soothing, so that then you can eventually process and then later communicate.

Caryn: Yeah. Yes. And let's talk about boundaries, right? Oh, yes. Okay, because so for me, the issue in my coming back to my childhood, and even presently with my family, it's like, oh, there's an issue, let's sweep it under the rug. Right? So so nothing gets repaired, or actually healed. Yeah, the nervous system gets regulated. But there was no boundaries set either. So I want to hear your insight on, okay, taking space for yourself get regulated, but also setting up a boundary. So that they know not to cross it, right? How do you do that?

Kim: Yeah, I think that's part of the processing process about, OK, this is what I need in this relationship, and then being able to communicate that later. Not just talking about the issue and then squashing it, but talking about it and saying, OK, this is what I need in this space. And if I'm not able to get it, This is not necessarily how I'm going to react. You can know how you're going to react. So I feel like when you're processing through, when this is still something you're working on within yourself, understanding and moving forward in this relationship, what do I need? What is non-negotiable for me? What am I willing to compromise with, but only to a point? So I'm willing to allow you to be upset in this space with me. But what I'm not going to allow you to do is yell at me, OK? Because then that's when, and you're telling yourself this, this is how I will follow through in setting this boundary. I am going to walk away. I am going to say, don't yell at me, and then I'm going to remove myself from the space. And I'm going to say, if you continue to do this, this is going to damage our relationship. And that's not a threat. That's the truth. That's a fact because I'm going to continue to walk away and pull away. And I'm not going to trust that we can have a conflict, settle it and not have to berate each other or treat each other unkindly or whatever it is you want to say. All of that being very hard to do, but I feel like when you're processing through it, saying it with yourself and having that in yourself helps the communication. It doesn't make it easier, but at least you have it there already. Yeah.

Caryn: Yeah. It's like you're only as good as your standards. And what standards are you going to set for yourself? And I love the allow, right? It's like what I will allow and what I don't allow. Because I think especially people pleasers. Oh, yes. Right. They allow. to be stepped on, they allow so much. They don't have boundaries.

Kim: Yeah. The fear is losing the person, losing that relationship. But again, if you're looking at your social well-being, is that supportive? Is that behavior that that person displaying towards you, is it supportive? Is it the kind of relationship that you need? Now, I'm not talking… Well, yes, I'm talking about every relationship because if a person is close to us, we want them to be a supportive person. You know what I mean? And we do get to choose how close a person is to us. You know what I mean? We do get to choose that. We think we don't have a choice, But we really have a choice. And when you're a people pleaser, I think we limit that, or we don't want to lose it. But the thing is, then we lose ourselves.

Caryn: Yeah. And the very thing that we're trying to avoid is the very thing we're creating. Right. It's happening. Right? It's like people pleasing, right? You're trying to avoid rejection most of the time. I'm sure there are other examples, but it's like avoiding rejection, avoiding being left or not really comes down to not feeling good enough, right? So we people please, so we can feel valued by others to feel good enough about ourselves. And it's like, wait, we have to insource that your wholeness is priceless. And you don't like looking for the external validation by doing for others. is just causing you more people-pleasing because you're in this fear of loss or not being good enough or not being valued. And so it's like, okay, now I have the awareness. It's like, what's going to be my first step? So I love this conversation. I think it's so beautiful. I think people-pleasing, I think starting a business, I think you know, having health scares, all the things to really kind of create this space of change. Yes. Is all really important. But I, I just, what would be, let's go with a people pleaser. Okay. Let's go with the people pleaser. What would be your, your biggest, um, takeaway for them? Like what is something that they can start implementing now? or in the next 24 hours to help them recover or close the gap even a smidge on people policing? What's something that they would be able to do?

Kim: Figuring out what you actually want. So take a moment in that situation. It still goes back to awareness, but taking a moment before you make a decision to do something and say, what do I want? right now, what do I want? So just as an example, I'll use my kids for an example. My daughter had asked me to go somewhere. And in that moment, I wanted to go to spend some time with her, because she's older and we don't get that time. But I was really wanting to do something, get something done. And so I said, no, because in that moment, what I really needed to do was this thing. And so it was one time, and I felt it. I felt it come up in me. I don't want to say no because I really, you know, don't want her to think I didn't want to do this or, you know, we rarely get moments. So I want to make sure that I'm, but in that moment, I needed to do something for myself. And so I paused. I felt that coming up, like I could feel it in my body. I could feel my stomach tightening. I could feel my mind was running through all the things. And I was like, OK, wait. What do I want to do right now? And I just let that come up for me. I was like, OK. So I think when we take a minute to come out of all the thoughts, And I think if we feel into our body and we can feel that tenseness coming up, then it's a thing, you know? The messages are always there. We're just not listening. And so, yeah, to in that moment before you make a decision, feel what it is you really want to do. Because you're making a choice to do something someone wants to do, whether that's the other person or yourself.

Caryn: And I want to add to it, it takes 90 seconds for an emotion to move through us. And if it doesn't, it's because we're looping. Right. So I love that. Stop, pause, feel it in your body without a story. Yes. I feel this in my gut. Let me just be with that sensation without a story presence it. Okay.

Kim: Okay.

Caryn: I'm going to let that, let that pass. Whatever comes up, comes up. And then it's like, oh, you can, you can give your truth of, No, I'm not available to do this right now. I'm not but you know, however, you want to navigate the conversation, but but really being true to yourself. And I think that's such beautiful advice. And I think especially women not saying men don't experience this too. But they have a really hard time saying no. And it's really learning how to prioritize. Okay, what lights me up? what do I want to continue? And, you know, put the things that don't necessarily light you up closer to the bottom of the list, right? Exactly. And then and then we feel we feel better, we feel accomplished and learn how to say no, if you really, like I had a friend that wanted to go on a trip, and I kind of wanted to go but kind of didn't, but really, I don't know. But I wanted to say yes, because I didn't want her to feel bad. but I have a lot of things going on so it's like and then finally just being like you know what like no like it doesn't work for me it's not in alignment right now and it's okay and people will respect you more when you have that boundary Yeah, no. Or if they speak to you a certain way and you walk away, it's like, no, I'm not going to allow you to talk to me that way.

Kim: Exactly. And usually it's the story, you know, that we've been talking about how we think somebody else is going to react. And often they don't. And I also feel like it gives that other person power also to realize that in this relationship, we get to decide what's good for us. I don't want you just to agree to agree. I want you to be able to be honest and say no when you mean no and say yes when you mean yes. I don't want you following… I appreciate sometimes when people go out of their way, but it shouldn't be the crux of the relationship. It shouldn't be the habit.

Caryn: Yeah, there's a fine line. And you know what? People love to be helped. They love to be helped. And sometimes people pleasers or helpers are afraid to ask for help. They want to do it all. Oh, true. Yes. Just before we close out, I think this is a really cool insight is people like to be helped and people want to help you. People love to help others. So the next time that you are afraid to ask for help, think about the time that you helped somebody and it felt really good to help them, especially in a time of need, but you're giving that other person an opportunity to help you and And you're almost doing them a disservice by not asking for help. I was buying a stroller for my six-year-old because we were going to Disney World. And it's just easy. We didn't have one. It's just easier to have one. And I couldn't get the stupid thing in my car. It would not fit in the car. And I just asked for help. And this gentleman was so excited to help me put this thing in the car. It really makes people feel good. Also, don't be afraid to ask for help because it gives the other person an opportunity to feel good too and have them feel in their power. And so there is discernment, right? Like you don't want to overstep. And you also, as a people pleaser, don't want to outdo what your capacity is.

Kim: Exactly, because that overextending will get you every time.

Caryn: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kim, this has been such a lovely conversation. I loved it. I think we covered so many beautiful topics and so many nuggets in here. I hope our listeners will re-listen to this over and over again because there's so much goodness in it. But I wanted you to share where can people find you? How can they connect with you? And I will share all of that in the show notes as well. So anyone who doesn't get it on the podcast, they can at least see it in the notes.

Kim: Where can they find you? Thank you. You can find me on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok, actually, at I Am Me Life Coaching. You can find me on my website at immelifecoaching.com. That's I-A-M-M-E-L-I-F-E-C-O-A-C-H-I-N-G.com. And let's see, also on Spotify and Apple Podcast with the Share Your Self Care podcast.

Caryn: Love it. Thank you so much for today.

Kim: It was so lovely meeting you. I love this conversation. Thank you so much for the invitation.

Caryn: You've got it. So good.